Letters to Chris Abely
by Jolie en Rose
Summary: The title explains it, please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Clique.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any other products in this story.**

You probably saw me on the street last weekend and thought to yourself "Oh my God WHO is that gorgeous creature before me?"

Well, I am Chris Abely, sexiest man alive,

And yes, you CAN squeeze my butt.

So I am here to respond to any questions, comments, or random Victoria Secret model montages that my extensive fan base has sent me.

Now, without further ado, here is the first letter on my massive postal bag.

_Dear Chris,__  
__What are your eHarmony stats?__xoxo__  
__OliviaR_Okay Olivia, here's my rundown,

I am a sexy fifteen year old male seeking an equally sexy female aged 10 to 30,

I love long walks to Sephora where I can contour my already chiseled cheekbones and line my already electrifying eyes,

And my luscious blonde locks flow in the wind when I ride in my pimped out Viper,

Or my horse whose name I don't remember.

Come to think of it, I haven't ridden my horse in so long since that little stable girl fell in love with me,

Oh what was her name, Maddie?

Miranda?

Sue?

Oh, well when you're as hot as me, you get many admirers.

_Dear Chris,__  
_  
_My name is Massie you jackass, but besides your stupidity I must ask; how do you get your hair SO PERFECT?__  
_  
_-Massicre__  
_  
Well Mary, first I lather my hair with Pantene Blonde Expressions to pump up my natural buttery undertones,

Then I condition with Herbal Essence Volumizing for great body and bounce,

I comb with a boar bristled brush as to not snag,

Then I flip my head upside down and let the natural radiance go to work.

Oh, and once a week I use a Neutrogena hydrating mask to kiss damage goodbye.

_Dear Abely,__  
_  
_Get your own fucking first name so these writers don't have to strain themselves typing first and last names.__  
_  
_- Plovert__  
_  
I can see some girls are a little testy.

Well Christine Plovert, I'm sure we can SHARE a first name, and maybe a bed if you're hot.

_I'm a guy you jackass.__  
_  
O...k...

Do we have another letter?

_Answer me Abely._It's very flattering that some people feel the need to take on my first name JUST because I have it.

_You're ugly.__  
_  
Uh... let's move on.

_Abez,__  
_  
_You can run but you can't hide.__  
_  
_- P-Lov__  
_  
Uh...let's put the letters away for now, shall we?

But don't fear, I'll be back with more of YOUR questions real soon.

**I know this was a silly start, but review if you want me to continue. )**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the Clique

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Clique**

**Yes so last time I began reading you some of my extensive daily postal receiving.**

**Now, I am here to continue.**

**For the record, Christie Plovaire WILL pay for stalking me...**

**Although HOW can I blame her?**

**Anyways, here I shall continue.**

_Abely,__  
__ Get your pansy ass away from my girlfriend Claire. If I don't stop seeing you buying ice cream from Derrick in TWO SECONDS I'm going to mash your face in. _

_-Cam _

**O...k...**

**By the way, Claire Lyons is a skank who put out the second I offered her a Popsicle.**

**So maybe you should take that into consideration Mr. Cam. **

_To Christopher Kevin Abeley __  
__ We regret to inform you that you were not accepted into the University of Florida. We appreciate your application and admission essay, but we have decided to choose a more deserving candidate. We hope you understand.__  
_

Dean P. Iggy

_- Dean P. Iggy_

**Um...yeah...**

**Well I was too cool for that stupid school anyways.**

**Let's move on, shall we?**

_Yo Bastard,_

_I fucking hate you, stealing all of the hot girls...I should bash your face in with Cam, but I have more important business with you._

_How the fuck do you get all of the girls to FALL OVER YOU? I mean why is your dedited for content so attractive?_

_YOU'D BETTER ANSWER!_

_-Kempost Hurley esq._

**Well Kempost Hurley esq, the answer to your question is quite obvious,**

**I'm just extremely sexy.**

**There are no two ways about it; I was born with the form of a Greek god,**

**The flowing locks of an angel,**

**And the cunning mind of the devil.**

**So do yourself a huge favor and don't try to compete with me. **

**You will not win.**

_Abley,_

_You'd better fucking take back what you said about Claire or you'll be sorry._

_-Fisher_

**Oh hark!**

**An aquatic friend has thrust his fins into conversation with me!**

**Well, that just shows how appealing I am.**

**Even creatures of the sea need to make my acquaintance.**

**So thank you dear scaly monstrosity for gracing me with your words.**

_Abe,_

_ Grow a fucking brain._

_-Fisher_

**My!**

**The fish knows insults!**

**Well Fish, here's my answer to you,**

**You don't NEED brains when you are as gorgeous as I am.**

_Dear Chris,_

_Sweetie, you still owe me 200 from last Saturday. If you don't pay up, Ricardo is going to join forces with that Cam guy and kill you._

_-Minnesota_

**Uh...**

**Yeah that was my...**

**Um...**

**SISTER!!**

**Yeah, Layne changed her name to Minnesota...**

**No that wasn't a whore...**

**Of course I didn't lose my virginity to a 36-year-old...**

**Uh...**

**Moving on...**

_...Three_

**?**

**Is this person counting how many flawless looks I have?**

**If so they are about 600 short.**

_...Two_

**My gorgeous eyes?**

_...One_

**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!**


End file.
